My natural state of being.

Without getting too maudlin on you, loneliness really is my default setting.  I don’t have any friends, at least any that live in the same state I do.  I have one out-of-state friend that I’ve actually met, and she was my college roommate.  My other friends are all people I talk to on Twitter, though I do talk to them a lot.  My sister has her own life, so she’s not home as much as she used to, but before that, she really was all I had in terms of someone to talk to and do things with.  It sucks, but because I’m not very social and don’t do well with small talk, coupled with my distaste of bars and clubs and lack of a driver’s license, I can’t exactly go anywhere to meet people.  I’m kind of stuck.  I have days where it doesn’t bother me, then others where it bothers me a whole lot.  I suppose if I had health insurance I’d see a doctor, probably find myself prescribed some anti-depressants, but since I don’t, I’m kind of forced to just deal with it.  May not be smart and/or healthy, but those are my options.

Now, that being said, I’m mostly a happy person.  I know, it doesn’t sound possible given the above paragraph, but it’s true.  I have far more good days than bad days, even though the bad days can be really, really bad.  I suppose it’s a function of being used to it and knowing it’s not going to change.  When I was younger, I was far more bitter and angry about everything, but now….I don’t see the point.  It’s better to make peace with the things you can’t change and learn how to deal with them than rail and rage against them as though it would make a difference.  That may sound defeatist, but really, it’s realistic, and I am above all, a realist.

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