Sharing is caring.

I have a difficult time opening up to people.  I’m not naturally very comfortable discussing my feelings or inner turmoil with anyone, and in social settings, I don’t do well around strangers or people I don’t know very well.  I try hard to work on it, forcing myself sometimes to talk to people before they’ve approached me, and I always feel like a complete fool when I do, because what if they don’t want to talk to me?  If they approach me, then obviously they do, but if they haven’t yet, I have no way of knowing if it’s because they were going to later or had no interest to.  I’ve discussed before my FoF™, or Fear of Failure.  I don’t like looking stupid or uninformed or uncomfortable in front of people, even my own close friends and family.  My skin turns bright red and itchy, my cheeks heat up, I start to feel like I’m going to puke…it’s not a good sight.  So, sticking myself out there can be an incredibly nerve-wracking prospect.

Going back to the first thing I mentioned — discussing my feelings — I will tell you I’m fine, even if I’m not, to avoid a long, lengthy argument about what’s really bothering me.  I’m not comfortable talking about emotions.  I never have been.  I don’t even tell my parents I love them, even though I know they know I do, because it’s too uncomfortable and weird.  I’ve always been like that, as far back as I can remember.  I don’t like people being overly affectionate to me.  A small hug is fine, but nothing beyond that.  It might explain why I’ve never had any interest in dating or relationships.  Would I like to be married?  Sure.  However, I don’t possess the emotional stability or the self-esteem required to put myself out there and meet someone.  I’ve made peace with it for the most part, but I remember being jealous to the point of making myself ill when my sister started dating her boyfriend — I didn’t like the idea of her doing something I hadn’t done or wasn’t likely to do, but he’s a great guy, and it wasn’t too long before I grew to really like him.

Surprisingly, or maybe not so, I can talk about myself and what I’m feeling/thinking online much easier than I can face to face.  That’s part of why I started this blog.  I’m sure there’s a reason for it.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/open/

Advertisements

4 comments

  1. rh15216 · June 16, 2016

    i used to be wary of opening up, but following some mental health issues i had no choice but to seek help and open up about things. have to admit, it’s since proven extremely helpful with many other things since! and like you, my blog provides a great sounding board – sometimes it is still easier to write things down than verbalise face to face!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Christa chn · June 16, 2016

    Putting down in words what you really feel inside is the best therapy that exists I think, you have taken a great step forward in upgrading your self esteem. Brave you are.

    Like

  3. Olive Ole · June 17, 2016

    Well. There is theapy in writing. And by publishing you put yourself in a position of receiving reactions, and that takes guts! Even though we are not having a convo face to face, this is still a form of human interaction. So take the positive reinforcement that you get from this blog to heart. Gather it up. Let it have a positive effect on your self-esteem. Let it build you up! I bet you will be able to do the same in an off-line situation one day!

    Have you ever considered the thought that you just might not be as awkward as you think you are? Have you ever considered the fact that you are awesome? Because you are!

    ROCK ON!

    Like

  4. theidealistwriter · May 16

    I saw myself in your words. I’m not at all comfortable around strangers and people either.

    Like

Tell me what you think!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s