I have a difficult time opening up to people. I’m not naturally very comfortable discussing my feelings or inner turmoil with anyone, and in social settings, I don’t do well around strangers or people I don’t know very well. I try hard to work on it, forcing myself sometimes to talk to people before they’ve approached me, and I always feel like a complete fool when I do, because what if they don’t want to talk to me? If they approach me, then obviously they do, but if they haven’t yet, I have no way of knowing if it’s because they were going to later or had no interest to. I’ve discussed before my FoF™, or Fear of Failure. I don’t like looking stupid or uninformed or uncomfortable in front of people, even my own close friends and family. My skin turns bright red and itchy, my cheeks heat up, I start to feel like I’m going to puke…it’s not a good sight. So, sticking myself out there can be an incredibly nerve-wracking prospect.
Going back to the first thing I mentioned — discussing my feelings — I will tell you I’m fine, even if I’m not, to avoid a long, lengthy argument about what’s really bothering me. I’m not comfortable talking about emotions. I never have been. I don’t even tell my parents I love them, even though I know they know I do, because it’s too uncomfortable and weird. I’ve always been like that, as far back as I can remember. I don’t like people being overly affectionate to me. A small hug is fine, but nothing beyond that. It might explain why I’ve never had any interest in dating or relationships. Would I like to be married? Sure. However, I don’t possess the emotional stability or the self-esteem required to put myself out there and meet someone. I’ve made peace with it for the most part, but I remember being jealous to the point of making myself ill when my sister started dating her boyfriend — I didn’t like the idea of her doing something I hadn’t done or wasn’t likely to do, but he’s a great guy, and it wasn’t too long before I grew to really like him.
Surprisingly, or maybe not so, I can talk about myself and what I’m feeling/thinking online much easier than I can face to face. That’s part of why I started this blog. I’m sure there’s a reason for it.